Cragganmore the Barrel-Master’s first memory was nursing from his mother, a leaky barrel with a sandbag propped against it, in a long forgotten whiskey rackhouse. Thanks to an “ABC’s of Good Whiskey” sign and an un-cancelled subscription to Reader’s Digest, Cragganmore eventually taught himself to read and write. It was through learning to read that he saw that his mother and all his friends all had “Cragganmore” scrolled on their “chests”. Thus, he came to the conclusion that everyone in the real world had the same name, but in fanciful stories of “Reader’s Digest” names could be different.

It wasn’t until the age of 13 (his current age), that he left the rackhouse for the first time and wandered into a long forgotten “Perfume de Melissa” bottling factory. It was in this factory that Cragganmore found a barrel positioned under a leaky bottling nozzle with a new “real” name. Melissa.

After a short courting period (an afternoon), Craggle-pussy proposed to Melissa and she rolled in that way that he knew meant “yes”. Two days later, after losing all of their virginities, they set off into the world hungry for adventure.